The Light You Fear

*this post was written in 2018 & has been extracted from an old website*

Gentle flutters in my stomach, a crease upon my cheek, a warming of my soul & thoughts learning how to speak. Recently I have been struck with bouts of inspiration that hadn’t greeted me in aeons – instinctive reactions of ‘this is too good to be true’ hit me after learning to shut my eyes inside a blurry world padded with thick walls to keep me safe, painted dark shades of acquainted grey.

Yet, what seemed like an alien from afar is now appearing as something of a distant cousin as she moves closer to me, through me, persistent, but I am afraid to notice her, acknowledge her existence. It’s been too painfully long, I hardly remember who she is – though sudden expectations of abandonment start boiling through my blood.

Familiarity hits as I’m knocked down by this beautiful moment of life exploding from my being that I would ordinary ignore, overruled by the conditional thoughts that they’re not worthy enough to honour nor permanent enough to celebrate. So I let this mystical paintball strike me in silence as I hold my breath & momentarily feel the warmth in my body and the m