*this post was written in 2018 & has been extracted from an old website*
Gentle flutters in my stomach, a crease upon my cheek, a warming of my soul & thoughts learning how to speak. Recently I have been struck with bouts of inspiration that hadn’t greeted me in aeons – instinctive reactions of ‘this is too good to be true’ hit me after learning to shut my eyes inside a blurry world padded with thick walls to keep me safe, painted dark shades of acquainted grey.
Yet, what seemed like an alien from afar is now appearing as something of a distant cousin as she moves closer to me, through me, persistent, but I am afraid to notice her, acknowledge her existence. It’s been too painfully long, I hardly remember who she is – though sudden expectations of abandonment start boiling through my blood.
Familiarity hits as I’m knocked down by this beautiful moment of life exploding from my being that I would ordinary ignore, overruled by the conditional thoughts that they’re not worthy enough to honour nor permanent enough to celebrate. So I let this mystical paintball strike me in silence as I hold my breath & momentarily feel the warmth in my body and the music in my soul, knowing that it will be a long time before I am hit with such vibrance again, greeted by this being that now resonates as an old friend that I intuitively prepare my goodbyes for. I settle with these feelings of acceptance as I await the grey rain to pour over my being and wash away the rainbow once more, back in dull comfortable clouds I remain. Why?
Why must I feel so afraid of this mysterious one? ‘Too good to be true’ echoes in my mind. This energetic life-form showed up spontaneously throughout my life but continuously left me with more confusion as she vanished into the night quicker than she arrived before unveiling her purpose. Haunting me in these unexpected moments. Becoming bitter against this flamboyant splash of colour who now floods my memory as a source of neglect, I would instinctively shut her out when I began to feel her presence near me. ‘Too good to be true’ I would repeat to myself as she knocks through my bones and reaches through my skin while electricity in my core begins to brighten, flickering on and off, like a broken lightbulb. Breathe in, breathe out, as she screams through silent lungs, trying to make herself heard as the wind in my throat and the hairs on my arms.
‘Too good to be true’…
I would swallow her as I say my goodbyes. ‘Not today. Not now. Not yet’.
I hold my hand on my heart and I feel her beating like a drum.
This was no alien though, no distant cousin or extraterrestrial being, that soul I had learned to hide from was my own. Repeated forgiveness and perpetual acceptance, she would wake in my body through butterflies of inspiration and imagination to remind me who I am, to tell me that it’s not too late, yet I did unto her which I feared for myself – abandonment. By resisting her love, I have neglected my truth, dimmed my light and drowned her in familiar darkness for fear of rejection hence she persistently visits me through what I believed was torment however now understand as continual, unconditional love. Maybe she was not the enemy that I have accustomed myself to fear, but a friend all along.
And so I leap across these stepping stones of self discovery where I meet my old friend bursting with colour along the way. She tells me that the tremendously difficult journey travelled towards liberation through honouring my pain and embracing my suffering is equally imperative, yet just as challenging, as acknowledging the same light that shimmers from the moon and glows deeply through my veins.
An Artist without a paintbrush, a singer without a voice. A human being rattles inside me, tumbling blindly around through these words as my fingers dance along the keyboard in what feels like a spontaneous melody of its own. Let these bouts of inspiration not confuse or deflate you as you try to clutch onto her but understand that she is here to teach you that refusing to shine your light upon the world is equally as damaging as ignoring the darkness that lies within us all.
Learning that I am of equal significance as those who wander by me on the streets is an exotic experience that I am delighted to dream, as though I have just landed on a new earth where rainbows breathe the beautiful beats of life freely without question or thought. Today I am feeling grateful to embody myself for what feels like the first time despite her patiently waiting for me to awaken, whispering my name for so many years through the gentle sounds of pain and suffering mixed with sparkles of hope and joy. I got this tattoo this time last year to remind myself to keep chasing the light within myself. Like lightning, it is blinding and lives within us all, but it is up to us to illuminate from within.
I place my hand over my heart and feel her beating like a drum, softer.
‘Thank you’ I say
‘I would never let the fire go out’ she breathes through me.
I smile. I dance.
I publish this.